He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
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new record!
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh