@kidnapped_jesus

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

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@mollzbenn

Ambien before beer, nothing tur fleer, beer befra Ambien, sam sumber sambien

@HollyMemphis

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

@Laser_Cat

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

@iamspacegirl

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

@volks__

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

@ch000ch

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

@JJSummertime

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.