friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
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“what that mouth do?” complain
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
mechanics be like
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again