Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

fired

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.