Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
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I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Natty or not?
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Me: *buys a bra*
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