Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
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Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Clients after you give them your rates
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.