friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”