friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

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My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.


Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.


‘Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?’

–my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car


Stop complaining about the length of the Hobbit movies. Plays are 17 hours long. School plays are twice that.


My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.


in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down


*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*


My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted


Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.


[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends