FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs