@QwertyJones3

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

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@yoyoha

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

@crow_death

I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.

@pizza_dragon

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

@TheToddWilliams

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

@XplodingUnicorn

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

@MrGeorgeWallace

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

@FredTaming

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

@shatty48

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.