@TheHyyyype

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

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@tweetsaboutdog

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@daemonic3

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

@SonofConway

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

@Eliixoo

“Are you drinking again?”

No,it’s just tea

“What kind of tea?”

Tea-quila

@chrizmillr

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

@Tmoney68

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

@ranndrew

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

@BonesHer

Few things are creepier than someone saying “I know” after you introduce yourself.