interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
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[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
“Are you drinking again?”
No,it’s just tea
“What kind of tea?”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Me, at my organ recital.
(Not even slightly sorry)
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Few things are creepier than someone saying “I know” after you introduce yourself.