friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection


guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

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donut holes but for onion rings. onion holes and if you steal this idea just know you are taking food out of my family’s mouth


I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…


I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.


College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go


“You know who else loved carbs? Hitler.” – excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation



New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….


At Walmart checkout other day:
Cashier: “you have a dog?” (Scanning dog food.)
Hubz: no, our kid needs protein
Me: dying


ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet


College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.


Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*