friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection


guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

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interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then


[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]


When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.


“Are you drinking again?”

No,it’s just tea

“What kind of tea?”



Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China


“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)


“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.


Few things are creepier than someone saying “I know” after you introduce yourself.