If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
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Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
podcasts
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!