friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
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Expectations vs. Reality
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami