friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
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I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I saw this ending much differently.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one