friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
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Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
taking June’s advice to heart
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.