friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

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I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.


Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.


[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall


INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.


angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger


I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.


I’m going to get a tattoo of my one true love.

The potato.


My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave


TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”


HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd