I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
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Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up
Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I’m going to get a tattoo of my one true love.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd