friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
You Might Also Like
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.