Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
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Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Coronavirus is too radical. America needs a more moderate virus that we can respond to incrementally.
Put all the money in the bag and no one-
*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*
MOST people won’t get hurt!!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don’t even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated