@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

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@MrSandeepP

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

@FilthyRichmond

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

@NewTmrw

Coronavirus is too radical. America needs a more moderate virus that we can respond to incrementally.

@sad_tree

[Bank Robbery]
Put all the money in the bag and no one-

*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*

MOST people won’t get hurt!!

@stockejock

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

@itsPKav

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

@VisionBored1

When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult

@KylePlantEmoji

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

@sirrruh

My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.

@michaelianblack

I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don’t even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated