@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

You Might Also Like

@markydoodoo

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

@jnapsalot

Back before the internet we licked 9 volt batteries for shock value.

@danagould

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

@Brianhopecomedy

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

@owillis

2007: OBAMA’S COMIN’ FER YER GUNS
2008: comin’
2009: almost
2010: any day
2011: seriously
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
2014: nope
2015: well

@nerdjpg

It’s 2007. You’re working on a PowerPoint for school. It’s about ancient Egypt. You select the Papyrus font.

“Yes, Perfect”

@Tmoney68

If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.

@Kryzazy

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

@GeorgeTakei

Overheard:
Missed opportunity: Who decided to call it “possession of marijuana” instead of “joint custody”?

@jazmasta

[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”