Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
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Back before the internet we licked 9 volt batteries for shock value.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
2007: OBAMA’S COMIN’ FER YER GUNS
2010: any day
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
It’s 2007. You’re working on a PowerPoint for school. It’s about ancient Egypt. You select the Papyrus font.
If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Missed opportunity: Who decided to call it “possession of marijuana” instead of “joint custody”?
[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”