FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
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A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
My Plans 2020
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet