friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Friend told me she’s never quite sure if I am joking. Told her, neither am I.
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I like giving names to my furniture
Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom
Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.
Because you are a joke.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.