Friend told me she’s never quite sure if I am joking. Told her, neither am I.

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friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times


I like giving names to my furniture

Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch


why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here


I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.


You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.


Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad


The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?


Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.

Because you are a joke.


Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.