@_oculusmundi

Friend told me she’s never quite sure if I am joking. Told her, neither am I.

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

@T_Bonezzz

I like giving names to my furniture

Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch

@ClassOf20l6

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@QwertyJones3

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

@Donna_McCoy

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

@pittdave13

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

@ThisOneSayz

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

@thelmaopong

Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.

Because you are a joke.

@RodLacroix

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.