It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
o shit
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Based Erika
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.