@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Try to relate to her.

(Later on Date)

ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?

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@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

@ohen39

[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
her dad: we’ll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend

@TheAndrewNadeau

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

@IamEnidColeslaw

The story of Snow White teaches us something very important: NEVER eat fruit.

@tgilliland789

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

@KimmyMonte

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

@graceful_asfuck

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

@bitterADDitude

Hair in bun=housework
Hair in ponytail=oral sex
Body language is important-So he doesn’t get excited when I’m about to 2 scrub the toilet