*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
FRIEND: Try to relate to her.
(Later on Date)
ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?
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[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
her dad: we’ll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend
The first week after you bury the bodies is always the most stressful.
My boss called in sick of me
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
The story of Snow White teaches us something very important: NEVER eat fruit.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Hair in bun=housework
Hair in ponytail=oral sex
Body language is important-So he doesn’t get excited when I’m about to 2 scrub the toilet