Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
You Might Also Like
Me :
All Day At Night
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
dude it’s called proctologist
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.