Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
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ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…