A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Friend: u around this weekend
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
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Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Me: Can I bring my wife?
Travel Agent: Of course
Me: But I’m hetero. Does that matter?
Travel Agent: Do you think I’m saying Gayman Islands?
Wife: How was the bathroom?
Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”