Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
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Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur