Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
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being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day