Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
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I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
This week’s mood.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
How animals would run if they were human
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry