Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
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A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Me irl
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?