friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave