Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
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How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
dictator is short for richard potato
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”