@MaraWilson

FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room?

ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don’t want to be

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@kelkulus

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

@WheelTod

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

@Sirrruh

One day my kids will find a “We’re Closed” sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I’ll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.

@jackiembouvier

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

@causticbob

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

@SteveKoehler22

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

@Cravin4

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.