Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

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BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more


HR has requested that I do not dress as Cookie Monster for this years performance review


There’s three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.


Shoutout to my 6th grade track coach who said, “This is the meet to beat” and had no idea why I couldn’t stop laughing.


“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]


7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.


People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.