i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
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Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.