Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
friend: “we should have a drink sometime”
*never contacts them again*
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I’ll always remember the day my wife said “yes” to my proposal.
And I’ll never forget that it was the last thing we ever agreed on.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
Cannoli do so much.
Now hes just a pizza history.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.