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@li4mst3w4rt: friend: "we should have a drink sometime"
*never contacts them again*
@skittle624: Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
@brennadine: One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
@: kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
@ScobeyWanKenobi: The best part about being thirty is that I'm finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
@NYC_Blonde: Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I'd prefer if we called it a salad