@li4mst3w4rt

friend: “we should have a drink sometime”

*never contacts them again*

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@therepoguy

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

@ShaunRightNow

I’ll always remember the day my wife said “yes” to my proposal.

And I’ll never forget that it was the last thing we ever agreed on.

@iliezabeth

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

@InternetHippo

ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year

@TheFunnyWorId

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.

@Try2StopME

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

@Brampersandon_

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

@psybermonkey

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

@timdonakowski

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.