FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
cause of death:
autopsy.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Pizza is an emotion right?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”