Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
*cough*
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine