Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
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My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo