Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

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me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH


I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.


No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.


*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice


I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?


coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys


God: I made a rainbow!

Devil: I’m making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.


“I sound nothing like that when I cry.” -doves


Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?


That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.