@Pork_Chop_Hair

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

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@DrakeGatsby

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

@stevevsninjas

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

@SteveKoehler22

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

@iwearaonesie

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

@NikiWithIssues

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

@murrman5

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

@better_off_dad

God: I made a rainbow!

Devil: I’m making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.

@ibid78

“I sound nothing like that when I cry.” -doves

@NoticablyBacon

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

@Darlainky

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.