Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
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Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
HR said no more nunchucks.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
somebody come look at this
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot