@athleisure_monk

FRIEND: What 3 books would you have on a desert island?
ME: My first book is more books.
F: What? These aren’t wish—
M: Second book’s a TV.

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@PaperWash

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

@sageboggs

My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead 🙁

@gorrdano

I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.

@philyuck

my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples

@Birdhumms

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

@liv_thatsme

Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.

@SadMeterologist

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

@whatdoiknow

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face