[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
FRIEND: What 3 books would you have on a desert island?
ME: My first book is more books.
F: What? These aren’t wish—
M: Second book’s a TV.
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Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead 🙁
I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Some BODY once told me
were in the icebox
for this breakfast disgrace
I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
and stuffed in my face