Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
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I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
a badder mouse
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
THIS HEADLINE
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*