Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.