@SJSchauer

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

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@notfaizzy

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

@jjhartinger

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

@OBiiieeee

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

@CircIeKay

First person to find a tooth in the nacho cheese gets a free tooth

@ItsAndyRyan

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

@ArfMeasures

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

@QwertyJones3

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

@robfee

I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner