Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
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Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.