Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
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The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Stop it! 😂
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
When your parents check you’re ok.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
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.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.