@ShootyDoody

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

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@PatsATweetin

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

@sonictyrant

GENIE: okay, 3 wishes

ME: i want Sean Connery to recite She sells sea shells-

GENIE: that’s two

ME: in the form of a rap

SEAN CONNERY: {clears throat} gimme a shick beat

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

@naughty_aditi

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

@BoogTweets

Me: Thank you for shopping at Walmart

Her: *rolling over in bed* next time I pick what we role play

@NintenDom

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

@TheHyyyype

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

@Losephine

If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.

@WilliamAder

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.