Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
You Might Also Like
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
#dnd #ttrpg
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.