Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
You Might Also Like
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I needed a laugh this morning.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
You should be tunashamed of yourself!