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@GoodZiIIa: Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn't even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
@IamEnidColeslaw: *points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
@Book_Krazy: *Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room
[whispers] "you said debriefing"
@withanewname: "Full bath?"
"Kids, I found a campsite!"
@roxiqt: ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way...
@bornmiserable: ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can't die here