Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
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My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
never ask a starfish for directions
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.