Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.