I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”