Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*