@whatbabytalk

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

You Might Also Like

@Wakenbake77

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

@JediGigi

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

@AndrewNadeau0

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

@clichedout

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

@shutupmikeginn

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

@Nahdude83

I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.

@kibblesmith

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”