Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I’d love this…lol
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
it must be school picture day