I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter
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Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
This is why I hate group projects
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.