Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?
Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4
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Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
My sock puppet: WOW
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
ME: I’m a moron and an idiot and no one likes me and I’m alone and I ruin everything in my life
RAP BATTLE OPPONENT: Dude I’m the one who’s supposed to insult you
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.