@pakalupapito

Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?

Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4

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@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?

@hamspamtymaam

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

@Tresca69

You can’t trust anyone you meet online

I went on a date with a guy I met online last week and stole $250 from him

@suziqkelley

The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@MoneypennyNaked

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

@inmybox07

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

@the_paramedicK

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

@Daveastated

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

@junejuly12

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days