@pakalupapito

Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?

Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4

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@LostFelicia

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

@justokpanda

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

@HeyoShellz

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

@PinkCamoTO

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

@Home_Halfway

ME: I’m a moron and an idiot and no one likes me and I’m alone and I ruin everything in my life

RAP BATTLE OPPONENT: Dude I’m the one who’s supposed to insult you

@JPLFR80

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

@Cpin42

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

@LizHackett

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.