Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?

Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4

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Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up

Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!

Wife: I know!

Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC


Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?



Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.


For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties


You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.


Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at


My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he’s ok with it when he finds out.


If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.


[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]