[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
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ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are