@VerbsRProudest

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

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@notmythirdrodeo

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

@MoneypennyNaked

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

@SergioValenCo

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

@sarcasticmommy4

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

@Coastiefish

My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida.

I call it “No air conditioning”.

@novicefather

[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?

@canadian_jane

This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.

@mydmac

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.