me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Friend: What time is it?
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Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida.
I call it “No air conditioning”.
3yo: daddy someone is texting you
[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?
This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.