Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
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The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Y’all ready for this
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent