@ArfMeasures

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

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@FunkyFresh_79

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

@KLC47

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

@DrakeGatsby

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

@Brampersandon_

BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn’t you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?

@realHamOnWry

Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.

@One2thTEXAN

*walks up to cute teller at bank*

Me: you wanna grab lunch some time?

T: sir, I’ve seen your balance.

M: yea, I was hoping you’d buy.

@Nips_00

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

@Gooooats

Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.