I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
F: Really into Craft Beer.
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
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Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can’t “break” water…get back to work.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.
Instead of “Juicy” I have “May contain gas” written on the back of my shorts.