friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO