Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

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My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.


Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*


We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.


Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.


“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome


Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.


Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.