My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
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Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
*Flips over cards*
It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.
Facebook account for sale, friends included.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.