Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
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Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Fidel Castro was alive?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL