Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
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Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die
You: so you can’t watch that YouTube link?
Me: I’m saying it’s dangerous to even send them
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
%) I love you guys
“Your breathing holes are very nicely shaped”
Flirting is so easy