@mommajessiec

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

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@cafchaosgrace

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

@SardonicTart

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

@MrPhetz

A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom

@Michael1979

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

@AnnietheNanny1

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

@AnOrangeSNES

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

@TheBoydP

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

@Bob_Janke

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

@tarashoe

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again