4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
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A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans
None that I can think of
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again