Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
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(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
every college guy’s fridge
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?