@NewDadNotes

Friend: what’s it like having kids?

Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.

Friend: that’s not so bad.

Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.

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@Storminika

You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don’t wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, ‘Hell no, that is not my kid’

@SortaBad

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.

@leannuh

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

@impaulmccoy

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

@NewDadNotes

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

@ultrakristian

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

@KarlreMarks

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy