2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Friend: what’s it like having kids?
Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.
Friend: that’s not so bad.
Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.
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I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that’s the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
that wasn’t the question