That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I came this close!!!!
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
This is so me 😂😂
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG