[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
You Might Also Like
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Rooting for the overdog
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?