me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Dreaming you’re peeing can be a very dangerous dream.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
The Girl with the Hot Dog Tattoo
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today