@daemonic3

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

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@metafroth

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

@fakeadultmom

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

@TheBoydP

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

@Dis0beyJay

[ First Date ]

Her: So you’re a MMA fighter?

* flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom’s *

Me: Yea, I’m still training

@HomeWithPeanut

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ??????

@Ideal_Victoria

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

@prontopup

What do we want?

A cure for short-term memory loss!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?