FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[ First Date ]
Her: So you’re a MMA fighter?
* flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom’s *
Me: Yea, I’m still training
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
What do we want?
A cure for short-term memory loss!
When do we want it?
When do we want what?
By age 35 you should be at least 35 years old